I defeated Voldemort when I was a baby!

[Troy Novus]

It was July, folks. As you can see from the fancy little graphic at the top of the homepage. ANYWAY. It was July. And being July, it was awfully hot. Outlandishly hot. Probably scorching, in Troy's opinion. But then again, he was a bit messed up at temperatures as he DID tend to swim in the Great Lake in the middle of January. But that isn't the point... What IS the point is that it was super hot, and it was July. Not only did it being July mean that it was unnaturally warm, but it also meant that that was the month that Harry Potter was born. And as Harry Potter is the most famous wizard in the history of famous wizards to ever walk the goddamn planet, Troy thought it best to honor him in the best possible way...

GIVING AWAY LIGHTNING-BOLT SCAR TATTOOS!

In this scenario, it being hot was a perfectly good thing. One could simply use his sweat as the moisture to press the tattoo to his forehead, and KABAM! SPIDERMAN! I mean, Harry Potter. Yeah. Harry Potter. Unfortunately, no one had come to collect a tattoo from him yet. It WAS summer, which decreased the Hogwarts population exponentially, but it was even worse than usual. It was sort of "dead," so to speak. Plus, it probably didn't help that Troy looked a bit like a poofter pedophile. He was wearing a dark purple sweatband around his head, neon red short shorts, and ... no shirt. To make matters even better, the sun was roasting him to a nice, sizzling crimson colour. God damn him and his pale, blinding beauty!

"Aqua ... Aquaaaaaa," he whimpered as he sat hopelessly on the swing, the box of Harry Potter scar tattoos next to him. THE SWEAT BAND WASN'T EVEN FREAKIN' HELPING! If anything, it was making the spot on his head where it was located even hotter. But hey, Joey Richter wore one, so he was gonna be a trooper and get through this. HE WAS A HUFFLEPUFF, FOR DUMBLEDORE'S SAKE! And we all know Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders. And by finders, I mean OVERALL AWESOME PEOPLE. Troy panted in a dog-like fashion, waiting for someone to come rescue him. ... Because he totally needed rescuing even though the castle was about two seconds away.

[Cory Benson]

Cory awoke with a jolt, standing in one hidden corner of the lawns in his underwear. Why? Well my friends this is going to be a long tale of misfortune and redemption. So join me in reliving this adventure from it's heart-wrenching beginning to it's breath-taking end.... This... is... the Tale of the Ice.

Ahh what the hell... Cory Cryogenically froze himself because nobody was around and he was bored. Thus hoping to wake up in a time when Our Hogwarts was filled with eager young minds. But of course this plan was hindered because Cory stupidly froze himself OUTSIDE, thus melting all the ice as soon as it turned to summer. But of course, Cory didn't realize his mistake.

"Ahhh.... IT WORKEDD... IT WOOOORKEDD! YES. I wonder what year it is now... 3053 perhaps." Cory suddenly looked into the sky searching for there new method of transportation. Perhaps now there were robots and everybody married robots instead of other humans. Because they were programmed to abide by your every will and desire. "Man... I want me some robot booty." Cory decided it was about time to go explore this new decade of Our Hogwarts and its students that inhabit it.

It hadn't changed much, still the same old castle and same old playground. You'd think by now instead of a playground there would be like Virtual Reality where you could like be Harry Potter and destroy Voldemort with some sweet kick-boxing moves. Or perhaps a space ship so you could go admire the galaxy with a lucky ladddy friend. "Hmmm i'd take my robot to Saturn and back, what whattttt!" Kids would be braggin about bumpin uglies in the back of there VSU (Vehicular Space Unit) 3000. Simpler times my friend.

Then Cory wondered if he had aged at all since he froze himself and headed down to the lake to look at his reflection. " A thousand years later and I'm still extraordinarily attractive.... impressive, even for me." Now it was time to go mingle with some (hopefully robot) females. And we all know the best place to find robots is on the jungle gym, obviously. So he had to venture over to the playground to begin his search. But upon arrival he noticed an extremely familiar ginger kid. Definitely, older than Cory...... NO.... COULD IT BE?...

"SIRIUS??!!?!?!?!?" Cory shouted running to him. It of course must be Troys kid.... Troy was probably all old and wrinkly by now... perhaps... NO DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.... HE COULDN'T BE... THERES NO WAY HE WAS.... DEAD? Suddenly just as Cory got right next to the ginger he began to sob. "WHY LOOORD? WHY DID YOU TAKE HIM SO SOON?.... WELL... NOT REALLY SOON... BUT WHYYYYYYY LORDDD?" Cory finally pulled himself together in order to speak with Troy's kin. "How are you dealing with loss, sweet young child of mineee?" He wasn't sure why he was talking so weird... PERHAPS THERE WAS A NEW LANGUAGE IN THIS TIME MAKING HIM SPEAK ODDLY.

"YOUR FATHER WAS A GREAT MAN!!!" He shouted pulling him into a big bear hug, then dropped him just as fast. "EWWWW YOUR ALL WET." Perhaps in this time, men have evolved into having slimy skin. Hmmm, this world was much different then the one he knew. "So... Who else has passed on?" Ahh the complexity of freezing yourself, you lose all your old friends.

[Kelsey]

kelsey ran outside over to troy who had just been dropped to the ground. She grabbed his head in her hands and pressed her cool, smooth forehead against his slimey sweat covered one. She then pushed him back to the ground with her newly aquired head stamp. She did this not to save him from overheating, but rather she was a jerk that stole tattoos... yeah, it might have made more sense to take a new one from the box, but this way seemed to be less work.... not to mention it was on backwards....

[Cory Benson]

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere appeared a mysterious figure. Somebody who was rarely seen, but everyone knew of her. Some said she was part leprechaun, other's claimed she was just a ghost who found a way to take human form again. Whatever she was, it was a magnificent site to see. So of course Cory felt the need to throw on a horrid Australian accent and pretend to document the siting of such a rare species.

"Come with me come with me." Cory shouted to a non-existent camera crew. "Not to close not to close, one strike from this baby and you could be dead within the minute." He began to circle the specimen with his hands out trying to keep his distance. "Crikey, do yah see those beady eyes, it's like, they can see right through you. Lets see if we can stir the species up a bit..." Cory picked up a stick and began poking her repeatedly. " You see that tattoo there on her head, thats your sure sign that this little creature is poisonous." Man, Cory was a natural at species exploration.

[Kelsey]

kelsey, being extremely camera shy,another reason it was so hard to find any documentation that she ever went to this school, stood like a deer in the headlights at the invisible camera crew. Getting nervous she transformed into her hedgehog form and bustled around the playground gravel by the swing, burrowing unsuccessfully... darn those playground tarp things